Desk note #1

 A cup of mediocre tea, creamer from a plastic container, 1/2 a square of chocolate.

Where to file all these thoughts.  

Grief is a sneaky beast.  Stalking the soul in silence, lurking.  Routine interrupted by it's pounce.  It only takes one talon to draw blood, rip the whole scab off.  Triage all over again.

There is no way to guard the heart from grief.  It permeates.  Finds a way in.  

They say keep moving.  But I haven't.  I'm frozen in my tracks, eyes locked and I can't look away, can't put my head down and walk past quietly, unobtrusively.  It's already seen me, found me out with my tepid tea and chocolate crumbs.

Catharsis

 Catharsis: "The purification and purgation of emotions through art or any extreme change in emotion that results in renewal and restoration." As in: "that was cathartic.

{Somehow, this is cathartic.  Purging out some of the excess words in my head/heart.  I think it's reassuring that it's going out to no one in particular, but there's also the tantalising idea that it could reach someone.}

This morning I've been chewing on how life is made and shaped by so many tiny decisions.  Of course there are big ones... but the devil is in the detail of the minute decisions.  I don't know about you, but I personally can get very stuck in running through the little decisions I've made one by one and examining them from all angles.  Even though what's done is done, I struggle to leave it there.  It's done.  There is absolutely nothing I can do to change it.  The ONLY thing I can change is this little decision that is here right now.  I do not know why this is so very challenging for me.  Why do I go back and touch all those little past decisions?  I'm pretty sure that if changing the past were possible I would have gone back and messed with everything!  Walking the paths of life is an extreme exercise in trust.  I either trust God is writing the story and all those little decisions are things he sees, knows and uses to the outcome of good for me ultimately, or I don't.  On any given day you will find me a solid mix of belief and unbelief.  Hence the cry, "Lord, I believe!  Help my unbelief."

Who knew?

4 years.  Yep.  That's the # between my last blog post here and this one.  2018 might as well have been a lifetime ago and that's the truth.  That's true in my own life and exponentially true for the world at large.  Who knew?  But then again when do we ever know we're on a collision course with trauma?  

Very randomly (no irony to see here), I have felt inspired to blog again.  I know, I know...you're skeptical and well you should be.  But really.  I think I might try.  Cause what's at the end of trying?  Only stupidity, success or failure.  What is there really to lose?  So yeah.  I guess I'm gonna start throwing words out into the ether, cause maybe it's worth something and maybe it's not, but either way I want to try to say a few things.  And if no one is listening and this is just another one of 16 billion blogs and a mind staggering number of words that float around out there, so be it.  

quantitative approval

Today I am grasping for quantitative approval.  I want numbers.
You think I'm artistic?  How artistic?  On a scale of one to ten, say...  
You like my work?  How much?  Would you pay money for it?  How much, say...
If it's a number I like, that makes me feel valued, then I am happy.
If it's a number that is low, it seems too little, my spirits drop.

Never have we lived in an age where we can look to the right or to the left and gauge worth so quickly.  How many friends do you have?  How many likes did your post get?  How many followers have you reached?
Really?  Wow.  You must be pretty amazing!!
Oh, hmmm, well... that's ok, my social media reflection isn't that hot either.

Down through the centuries our worth has not changed.  Only One can truly define, give value and He does!  He defines us as His, which is more than enough.  So why doesn't it always feel enough?  Perhaps my search for quantitative approval is at the heart... stop searching and know.  Rest.  He is enough.  You are enough in Him.  Be still.

words

they were there, the words on my tongue,

anxiously awaiting release. Just a crack, a sliver,

a hint of an opening and off they would fly... warriors

defending the right, evil minions bent on destruction,

sweet simple truth armed to the teeth... out for blood.

but I swallowed them back, all of them. Choked them down

with their acid burn. 

How noble.

gone

gone

salt trails. soul bending pain.

longing to wield a weapon, settling for a name.

soundless crushing of hope.

search - it is no more.

quiet, dead and gone - pieces on a dirty floor.

conundrum

Somehow it's a perfect word... conundrum.  Life feels like a conundrum.  I am like a charred plant that could potentially reach out a new tendril of growth but for the fear of the flame...the scorching heat of the desert.  Reach or don't.  It's a conundrum.

"What he really wanted to say was: have you felt this?  This phantom life streaking like a phosphorescent hound at the edges of your ruin?"  {"The Solace of Leaving Early"}

Maybe it sounds strange, but that's a bit of how I feel... there is this illusive life streaking by on the edges of existence.  I catch it out of the corner of my eye and for a second I feel this surge of hope... maybe...

co·nun·drum

kəˈnəndrəm/

noun

1. a confusing and difficult problem or question.

   "one of the most difficult conundrums for the experts"

   synonyms:

   problem, difficult question, difficulty, quandary, dilemma;  informalposer