Thursday, August 16, 2018

quantitative approval

Today I am grasping for quantitative approval.  I want numbers.
You think I'm artistic?  How artistic?  On a scale of one to ten, say...  
You like my work?  How much?  Would you pay money for it?  How much, say...
If it's a number I like, that makes me feel valued, then I am happy.
If it's a number that is low, it seems too little, my spirits drop.

Never have we lived in an age where we can look to the right or to the left and gauge worth so quickly.  How many friends do you have?  How many likes did your post get?  How many followers have you reached?
Really?  Wow.  You must be pretty amazing!!
Oh, hmmm, well... that's ok, my social media reflection isn't that hot either.

Down through the centuries our worth has not changed.  Only One can truly define, give value and He does!  He defines us as His, which is more than enough.  So why doesn't it always feel enough?  Perhaps my search for quantitative approval is at the heart... stop searching and know.  Rest.  He is enough.  You are enough in Him.  Be still.

Monday, September 26, 2016


they were there, the words on my tongue,

anxiously awaiting release. Just a crack, a sliver,

a hint of an opening and off they would fly... warriors

defending the right, evil minions bent on destruction,

sweet simple truth armed to the teeth... out for blood.

but I swallowed them back, all of them. Choked them down

with their acid burn. 

How noble.

Tuesday, March 1, 2016



salt trails. soul bending pain.
longing to wield a weapon, settling for a name.
soundless crushing of hope.
search - it is no more.

quiet, dead and gone - pieces on a dirty floor.

Tuesday, February 23, 2016


Somehow it's a perfect word... conundrum.  Life feels like a conundrum.  I am like a charred plant that could potentially reach out a new tendril of growth but for the fear of the flame...the scorching heat of the desert.  Reach or don't.  It's a conundrum.

"What he really wanted to say was: have you felt this?  This phantom life streaking like a phosphorescent hound at the edges of your ruin?"  {"The Solace of Leaving Early"}

Maybe it sounds strange, but that's a bit of how I feel... there is this illusive life streaking by on the edges of existence.  I catch it out of the corner of my eye and for a second I feel this surge of hope... maybe...
  1. a confusing and difficult problem or question.
    "one of the most difficult conundrums for the experts"
    synonyms:problem, difficult question, difficultyquandarydilemma

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

I thought I had something to say...

Wrapped in the cocoon of night, where great wisdom and enlightenment reside, I thought I had something to say.  Something with deep power, insight and truth. 
These were words to shape a alter and influence.  Yet somehow in the light of this lamp, coffee brewed and in hand, I have nothing.  Vapor.  The art of words eludes me and I only see cobwebs hanging from my fireplace mantle and the chaos of real life around me.  Who do I think I am?  An artist of the highest order?  Ha!  A street sweeper, that is truth.  I am the most common commoner.  The janitor of this realm.  There is nothing more common than art.  We are all artists, every last one of us whether we recognize it or not.  It is the common denominator of this life.  How strange is it that as a society we lift up a few and give them great acclaim awed by their talent, their expression, their art when they are just the janitor next to us who happened to stumble into this revered place.  Silly.  That is what it is.  But can I be less than I am?  No, I will continue to sweep... to grasp at gossamer threads of lofty thoughts.  Dreaming that I can be more than I am...

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

why is life so much like climbing a very big mountain??

Can I tell you a small story?  An allegory if you will.  An endeavor that started without much forethought that has marked my life forever.  It begins like this...
In the fall of that year I bore my 3rd child into the crazy busy of a life filled with photography, 2 energetic little boys, a big house with lots of property, church life, family life and did I mention it was busy?  Christmas kinda snuck up on me that year and on the eve of Christmas it dawned on me that I had no gift for my guy!  The hard working man who professes to care less about gifts, but still, we're talking about Christmas here!!  So I did what I could which was to run to our local outdoor gear shop because I would absolutely find the perfect thing for him there... it was practically guaranteed.  Well, of course I did find many a perfect gift, they just were too expensive!  I was starting to get panicy when in a flash of brilliance (I might not term it like that now to be honest) I knew what to do.  He had been a trail builder in his younger days and had spent a chunk of time working on the trail up to Long's Peak (a 14er in the Rocky Mtns.).  A few time he had mentioned to me that he sure would like to show me his work up there someday... maybe someday we should climb Longs together.  I think my standard response was something like, "Umhmmm... that would be nice dear." {read:: "Yeah right, like that's gonna happen."}  So here I was in my hour of present desperation and I made a desperate move... I bought a postcard of Longs Peak and drew some stick figures on the top and recklessly wrote, "You and me, this summer." right over their heads.  Yep.  I did that.
Problem is that when I gave it to him on Christmas day he really liked it!  He was excited!  We were going to climb Longs!  Ahhh, yes we were going to climb Longs Peak.  Perfect.

Well, I was in no shape to climb a 14,000 ft mountain, let me tell you!  I had just had my 3rd child... I was out of shape...I had a super busy schedule with 3 little ones and how on earth was I going to do this thing?  Months went by... I kinda forgot about the Christmas postcard, that rash commitment to do the impossible...enter the month of April.  One evening I'm sitting in the living room doing nothing in particular when in comes the mountain climber himself to announce he's signed me up for some personal training at our local gym.  I start next week.  NEXT WEEK!  Yikes!  But you know what?  I did the training, I died.  I did the planks, I died.  I did the squats, I died.  Everyday I felt like my whole body was broken down into small agonized bits and slowly, slowly I got stronger.

We planned the climb/hike for a day at the end of August.  The night before we were to get up at 3 am and begin, I couldn't sleep.  I lay wide awake willing myself to sleep knowing that I would need every ounce of energy and reserve for the day ahead.  Begging God to help me sleep I almost audibly heard Him say to my spirit... "I will sustain you."  It was 1 o'clock in the morning... I slept for 2 hours and got up to climb.  All the way up that mountain those words were reverberating in my soul.  It was not an easy path.  There were definitely times, sections of it, where I was pretty sure I couldn't do the thing.  Too hard.  Too narrow.  Too steep.  Too painful.  But you know what?  I did.  I did climb that peak and He did sustain me.

Little did I know that this endeavor would be a foreshadowing of the life mountains ahead.  That God's words to me then would be life words later... that I would need every syllable to put one foot in front of the other as I climbed.

Thursday, October 22, 2015

You know how you hate to tackle that unruly closet, or room, or house, or life?  Yeah.  That's kinda what I started this blog for.  Tackling the yuck.

I have always been one to process life via pen and paper.  Sadly, pen and paper are vintage now... relics of a bygone era.  Still cherished, but maybe not so relevant to the now.  Hmmm.  I'll have to chew on that a bit more, I definitely do not want that to be true.  (If any of you know me I ADORE pens and I might have a bit of a fetish for paper too....)  So transition to the expression of the heart via blogging.  Yes, not a new idea, I know!  It's just maybe kinda new for me...

So you know how sometime you write something and it comes from the dark hurt of that moment and the angst that you just can't quite let out ... the pain that you squeeze out in spurts so as not to permanently damage those close to you.  Trying to only let it go in small doses... the toxic gunk churning on the inside.  yeah... this poem is one of those bits.

i had thought

i had thought to be a star,
brilliant in blackest sky.
instead, wasted breath am i.

i had thought to be joy,
living flame.
instead, my soul bleeds clear, soundless pain.

i had thought you might see me,
hungry for the faintest touch.
instead, i wait and the world is void.

There is is...don't judge.  Life can be tough.