Of late when people ask me how I am, I tend to say that I feel like we're living with Damocles sword overhead. Do you know this ancient Greek anecdote? The ruler Dionysius II allowed Damocles to experience the luxury of being king, but hung a sharp sword directly over his head, held by only a singe horsehair, to show the insecurity of such a position. We use this phrase now to describe a situation of impending doom and fear where a potentially dangerous event could occur at any time.
I think this pretty accurately describes how I feel at the moment. Right now Alex feels great. He's living his life normally again. He's making plans for the future, tentatively allowing himself to dream and enjoy life. But cancer hangs by a hair over all of that. This is a very challenging way to live.
Contemplating this brings me back to how desperately we puny humans crave control. It's maybe one of the most consistent things I grasp for over and over in this life. Just a modicum of control, please? The "correct" thing to say right here would be how I have relinquished that to God, but have I? In truth, I think this thing is moment by moment. It's a constant laying down process. The bid for control is something I'm literally laying down at God's feet in one moment and picking it back up in the next. Ugh.
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