the exceptional need to be ordinary

 I awoke this morning with a word on my tongue left over from a shadowy world that played like the highlight reel of an epic movie. Mind groggy and brain slow moving I reached for the word before it crumbled to ash just as I got to it. Gone.

What was it, I wonder? That singular word that had the power to change worlds, alter realities and usher my conscious into light filled realms of joy and glory. If only I had retained it.

And now? Just the ordinary day stretched out before me. No deep sense of rightness with the world, no bursts of glorious light as music swells, just today.

I have an exceptional need to be ordinary. To feel the thrum of life grinding on towards...? Without this grounding of ordinary, what framework would I have laid for light strewn days? I am weaving a trap of ordinary days to catch the outlier. In one glorious moment I shall have it in my grasp, and this time it won't escape me.

My will or Thy will...

This is what I've been contemplating today, God's will. I actively pray that God's will be done in my current landscape of hard things, but under that prayer runs the current of my own will. What does my will really want? To escape having to watch my son suffering. To be released from hard things. I think true surrender to God's will is absolutely impossible without the empowering of his Holy Spirit. My humanness is just too strong. 

Maybe this is why the life of a Christ follower is often described as both easy and hard simultaneously. Christ in me truly bears up under every hard thing in my life, carries the load, is the source that fuels a life of following God. Yet surrendering to, resting in Christ is maybe one of the hardest processes we humans go through. We are so very finite.